Adjusting to our new normal

Juliette had a rough time seeing me sick. She got very clingy. I guess it started with her getting sucker-punched by thinking I’d be back home resting the night of my surgery and I ended up staying in the hospital for 5 days. We all got sucker-punched. It wasn’t supposed to be cancer. But it was. Based on the recommendations of a family social worker and a school psychologist, we were encouraged to tell her the truth. So, we said “Mommy has cancer but she’s going to get better”.  And then my sweet, innocent daughter uttered these words “Cancer makes you go to Heaven”. It was so hard not to lose it in front of her. We were afraid that’s what she’d think after having lost 2 dogs to cancer in the past few years. So, we did what anyone would do. We were very calm and told her my Dr. was going to cure me and that not everyone dies of cancer and that I wasn’t going to die. It’s not really a lie if you’re trying to convince yourselves too, right?

And then, we tried to maintain some normalcy. The three of us play UNO every night after dinner. And once I started getting more mobile we went to church and went out for pizza (which Juliette doesn’t even like). But it’s my favorite food and I rarely let myself eat it. The surgery and stress and nausea led to an unintentional 10 lb weight loss so it was liberating to eat pizza. It’s funny how my lifelong body image issues and my constant assessment of whether or not I “should” eat something became so meaningless after a cancer diagnosis. Granted, I fully intend to continue to eat healthily (and mostly plant-based), but not because of how I want to look – but because I want to live.

Juliette is going to handle this. She’s tough and she’s smart. She already suggested I borrow her tiaras and her dress-up wigs and hats to make my (soon to be) bald head look pretty.

We’re all going to handle it. We just are. I can honestly say I’ve never loved my husband more than I have since this happened. I’ve always loved him and appreciated him but this is a whole new kind of love I never even knew existed. We were supposed to be in Woodstock, VT right now. Just the 2 of us for 3 days and nights of skiing and spa-ing and great meals and romance. Aside from our family trips to St John, it’s my favorite trip of the year. I’m mourning it right now. Hard. Yet here I am, newly Menopausal thanks to my surgery, with a 10 inch incision and an aching body and an aching soul. Sex is the furthest thing from my mind and sometimes I’m afraid it’s never going to come back. But spooning in the morning before we get out of bed is pretty amazing – now that I can lay on my side.