Reality set in at home

I was on the 21st floor of MGH, in an enormous single room overlooking the Charles River. I had loads of visitors and flower deliveries. I felt loved. So, I guess it could have been worse. I finally got to go home on February 2. I was miserable. I was in pain, I couldn’t eat due to nausea, couldn’t poop due to constipating meds and the Dr having had to inspect my bowels to check for cancer (None! Thank You God!). I’ll say it again. I was miserable. I cried a ton. For me. For Rick. For Juliette. I just kept thinking about how unfair it was. How I’m a good person and I don’t deserve this. I had to work so hard to have Juliette and had to suffer the loss of my stillborn son Owen and have so many failed IVF attempts and losses. Then, we finally did it! We had a healthy baby girl who is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and now, at the age of 6 she has to be faced with the possibility of losing her mom. WTF! Seriously! I cried thinking of Rick all alone trying to keep it together for Juliette and my heart broke. I’ve read the stats and the survival rates. I know this is a bad one.

And all the while well-meaning people kept telling me I could “beat this” and “fight” but I felt so weak and broken I couldn’t imagine ever feeling strong enough to do that. They were dark days. Rick was a rock star. Making J’s breakfast and lunch and getting her on the bus every am, bringing me breakfast in bed to try to get me to eat, then going to work himself and putting on a happy face for his patients. I don’t know how he did it.

The silver lining during this time was the incredible outpouring of support. Friends and family came out of the woodwork. Making meals, doing laundry, taking Juliette for play dates and activities, going to the grocery store, providing a comforting visit, hiking the dogs, doing Reiki on me. You name it. There were days I had to cancel visits because I was just too sad. I wanted to put on a brave face for people and I couldn’t always do it. We were truly blown away by all of the support and love we got from our village and we are eternally grateful.