So, if we had to guess how this would all play out, we imagine something like this: I successfully complete my 6 rounds of chemo and I’m NED (no evidence of disease) for a period of time. Maybe a few years? Maybe 5? Maybe, Godwilling, more. It’s very likely I’ll have a recurrence at some point, but we figure I’ll beat that too. We’re hoping for at least 10 more years. I really want 15 (or more, but I don’t want to get greedy) because Juliette would be 21 then (and hopefully in college) and maybe it would be easier for her to lose me if she wasn’t living at home. We know with an O.C. diagnosis these are aggressive goals, but not impossible.
It’s odd to be faced with the reality of your mortality. Juliette asked me last night if we could go play in the snow. A few weeks ago I probably would have said “I have to make dinner” or “It will be dark soon, maybe tomorrow”. But not now. Now all I could think was “Get your damn boots on and find that girl’s sled. STAT. Who knows how many more chances you’ll have”! Then, while standing in the snowy yard and looking at the leafless Catalpa tree I remembered how beautiful the blooms were when we moved in last June and I thought “I really want to see it bloom again”. Silly stuff – snow, flowers. Stuff I’ve seen a million times before and appreciated. I never knew they’d be something I wanted so desperately to experience again.
So, that’s our plan. To experience everything we can while we can. To try to find joy in everything. It’s not always going to be easy. The demons and the dark days will come but we’re going to try to force them out with light. If my time here is going to be cut short I’m not going to waste it being sad.
We’re already talking about growing a kick-ass vegetable garden this summer. I can picture myself, wearing a scarf and a big old straw hat so I don’t burn my scalp (ha) digging in the dirt feeling sun on my shoulders. I can’t wait for it!
Before I got sick, we had talked about making 2019 vision boards with our goals for the year (even J, who has decided she wants to lose the safety of her life jacket and her training wheels this year). We’re still going to make them. Goals may have shifted slightly, but I refuse to call it a “bucket list” since I don’t plan on dying anytime soon. It can’t all happen in 2019 but: I want to go to Italy, I want to go on Safari in Africa, I want to memorize all the scents in my Le Nez Du Vin smell kit, I want to try the French Wine Scholar class again since I had to drop out of this one, I want to go back to St John, I want to go back to Harbour Island, I want annual Woodstock Inn trips again, I want annual Eastham trips again, I want a date night at Mac’s Shack in Wellfleet again. I want to make the most of my time with the people I love. What good is having so many family members and friends if I don’t spend time with them? Oh, and even though I registered before getting sick, I know I’m not going to be able to do the Cohasset Tri this June, but maybe next year? Ok, now maybe I’m getting a little crazy.
So anyway, that’s the plan.
Ovarian Cancer Chronicles 
Thank you Debi! Thank you for being you. Your honest, raw, heartfelt, scared, hopeful, blunt living and loving YOU! Thank you for sharing this and being candid about your experiences so far. I am blessed and lucky to have you in my life. I will think amazing thoughts for you and Rick and J!! You will be in my prayers as I ask my angels above to look over you. You are an amazing strong woman and I know you will fight this with everything you have and more. Thank you for your friendship and for being you!! Love you!
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Thank you. Love you.
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You are an inspiration. This blog is so truthful and filled with such raw emotion. I am proud of your inner warrior. I am proud of your strength. I am proud of your love for your family. I am proud of your courage, grit, determination, and positive spirit! Keep it up. Keep it up! Of course, there will be down times. Of course, there will be questions. Of course there will be fear. All of that is normal. However, you have a fire within you. You won’t let it blow out. Keep that fire going. Cry when you need to and then go find friends who will belly laugh with you. Stay mindful of your inner flame. You’ve got this, Debi! I will be praying for you this Friday. I will keep you in my prayers, asking God to keep you positive and strong. You cheated it once, so why not cheat it again? Lots of Love and hugs to you, my friend. I will continue to read your blog and will be awaiting to hear how you continue to fight!
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Thank you Rene. So we’ll said!
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Keep the fire! I have been thinking about you a lot. I am sending positivity and strength. Know that you have a lot of support and love surrounding you. XOXO
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Inspiration, beauty, laughter, motivation, heartbreak, respect, appreciation, hope, truth, creativity, kindness, honesty, fear, empathy, admiration, sincerity, enlightenment, optimism, bravery, and LOVE…Feelings and attributes that you have elicited in me and that I so genuinely admire in you.
Thank you for sharing your story Debbie. You have, and continue to fill my heart. Your words have empowered me, touched my soul, and, for some reason, made me feel less “alone” in this world. While it is our job to support and strengthen you, somehow you are managing to lead us. ❤️
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Love you
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Hi Debi,
My prayers for you have been non-stop since I heard of your diagnosis. Twenty-eight years ago my sister was diagnosed with OC. Her spirit was like yours…never one to back down from a challenge! Also like you, she has one daughter who took everything they had to create❤️! Today she is as remarkable as she ever was! The only difference I see in her is that all her positive traits blossomed and she celebrates every day as the gift that it is! She is, like you, beautiful inside and out….we still laugh about wishing we could join her in having her “fat pad” removed!
She inspires me every day and in all ways. Sounds like you two are sisters from different (awesome) mothers!
Please know I will hold you close in thought and prayer in the days and weeks ahead….you got this!
Here for anything I can do to support you! God bless!
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Mrs Puleo!
My 5th grade teacher ❤️!
It’s amazing to hear from you. Thank you so much for your message. I love hearing stories like your sister’s. They give me hope. Thank you for the prayers.
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Thank you for letting us read what you’re going through. What a journey all of this is, and you’re facing it head on. Sheesh. I also enjoy seeing how close you, Rick, and Juliette are – your special getaways and traditions. We’re thinking of you here and sending all healthy, positive thoughts. I’m so glad your family and friends are near and those two great dogs are watching over you! Love
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Thank you. Love to you all. Tell Shadow Lettie can’t wait to see her again!
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