My port

Before all this if you asked me what a port was I’d have thought of shipping, or wine, or the side of a boat. I would not have imagined that it was a catheter inserted into my vein just below my clavicle. This is how I will get my chemo and apparently it will help protect my veins from too much IV abuse, so I’m on board.

So on board in fact that yesterday I had to prove to myself that I really am the badass I keep saying I am. Somehow, with this all happening so fast, someone forgot to tell me to fast before my port insertion. So, when I showed up and admitted that I had eaten a bowl of soup a few hours earlier, I learned that I couldn’t be sedated. I could reschedule or I could have it inserted with just local anesthetic. I almost lost my mind but I kept it together and said “I’m already here. Let’s just get it over with”. The worst part was the lidocaine they give you to numb the area. Picture a handful of consecutive bee stings in your upper chest, each lasting about a minute. Then, you’re numb. Once I was sufficiently numb they inserted the port and it wasn’t too bad. It’s a little sore today but it will heal. I felt I had to prove to myself that I could do it – and I did! (I may or may not have cried on the table during the insertion, but not because of the pain. Just because of how mad I was that I even had to be there in the first place). Anyway, I can check that off my list.

There’s one other thing I wanted to mention today. As I’ve said, I have chosen this blog as my outlet and a coping mechanism. Some may think it’s over-sharing. Maybe even my husband who is much more private than I am. But let’s just say, the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree when it comes to me and J. If you are one of the lucky folks who gets to see my kid regularly, she’ll probably talk about me being sick. She’ll tell you her mom has cancer. Tell you her mom’s hair is going to fall out. This past week she told a friend‘s mom while on a play date, and a friend’s nanny on another play date and her after school care provider. And who knows who else? Those are just the few people who told me. Her pediatrician, and friend of my husband, said this is totally fine. He says she’s trying to normalize it (maybe that’s what I’m trying to do too) and also trying gauge other people’s reactions to see if it really is ok. I’m both sad and glad that she’s doing this. She’s amazing.

Oh and happy Valentine’s Day. Here’s my tired guy today bringing the love.