Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

My Dr said I’d start losing my hair on the 16th day after chemo. It’s so weird to me that they know the exact day. I know once my hair is gone a whole new level of reality is going to kick in. My hair, as I know it, may never be the same again. No one can say for sure how it will grow back. But, based on my informal polling it will probably start coming back about a month after my last treatment. It will look like peach fuzz at first and may be a mix of dark and gray and could even be curly for a while. But I’m getting ahead of myself – I haven’t even lost it yet.

I’ll be honest and admit that I’ve never really loved my hair. As I’ve aged I lost the natural golden blonde of my childhood. My natural color now is mousey brown with gray at the crown. Plus, it’s thin, I don’t have much of it and it costs me a fortune in highlighting and styling. But it’s MY hair. It’s part of my identity and it’s the only hair I’ve ever known. I don’t know what it will feel like to be bald and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m terrified.

I explored my options. There’s an amazing woman named Tish Peterson who lives right in my town and runs a business called “Cold Cap New England” for people going through chemotherapy. Basically, your scalp is frozen during chemotherapy so that the hair follicle is preserved and your hair won’t fall out. Tish came over and gave me an overview (as well as some incredibly helpful chemo advice – she’s awesome) and I ultimately decided not to do it, for quite a few reasons. One being that I despise being cold. It may be one of my least favorite things ever. So, the thought of having my head frozen during my entire 6+ hour chemo treatment and then for an additional 5 hours after terrified me more than actually getting the chemo. Also, it’s not 100% guaranteed and many people still lose about 30% of their hair. If I had a lot of hair that wouldn’t be so bad but my hair is so thin that if I lost 30% of it I’d probably look cray-cray and need a wig anyway. And finally, at the time it was still not clear whether or not my chemo treatment would involve 24 hour sessions so cold capping wouldn’t have been a viable option anyway. (That question has since been answered. Turns out I’m not a candidate for the IP protocol which means intraperitoneal chemo (a port in my abdomen). Turns out it would be too hard on my solo kidney. It has a slightly higher success rate than what I’ll be doing, but more overall side effects. The higher success rate part is awesome but if it came with kidney failure, not so much).

Anyway, I’m getting a wig (and will probably wear scarves and hats and all sorts of accessories, especially when it gets hot). I bought a real-hair wig and I love it! The actual hair is way prettier than my hair. I’m getting it tomorrow. I’ll go to the salon and they’ll shave off my hair and fit and style my wig to my head and that will be it.

A friend offered to shave my head for me and have some fun with it. Even give me a Mohawk first. I considered it but I don’t really have a burning desire to see what I’d look like with a Mohawk.

I guess most people say it’s easier to shave your head before you start to lose your hair. Apparently waking up and seeing clumps of hair on your pillow is pretty traumatic. Go figure.

The strangest part for me is that it will be happening on Wednesday and day 16 is Saturday. So, I’m doing this like 2 days early. No big deal, right? But there’s this little voice inside my head that’s saying “But, what if you get your head shaved and your hair wouldn’t have fallen out anyway. Don’t be stupid!” But then another voice is saying “Do you really want to wait until it actually starts falling out? Won’t that be worse?”. Truth is, my Dr. said it so matter of factly that I know it will happen. So, tomorrow it is. Hair today, gone tomorrow.

PS – I’ll post a wig picture once I get it.