Be careful what you wish for…

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I feel like I’m the subject of some kind of fable or lesson.

Once upon a time there was this girl who always thought she’d be happier if her hair were thicker and shinier and if the number she saw when she stepped on the scale was lower. Well, the scale is 10 lbs down and her wig is made up of beautiful, shiny thick hair. But alas, she’s no happier because in order for those things to come true she had to get ovarian cancer. How quickly I’ve learned how little those things matter! If nothing else, this cancer has really caused me to ease up on being so judgemental of myself.

I got a sign from God (or the universe or fate or whatever higher power you may believe in) this morning. I was nervous and wondering if getting my head shaved before I lost any hair was a bad idea. Then wouldn’t you know, I brushed my hair and the brush filled up with loads of hair. It was time! It made me feel so much better about my decision.

I chose to go alone today because I was afraid I was going to cry. I knew I’d be ok with crying in front of the people there. I wouldn’t be the first and I knew I had a right to cry. I just didn’t want anyone there to try to comfort or console me. I just wanted to own my sadness and maybe wallow in it a bit. So, with my back to the mirror the nicest woman in the world shaved my head. And she quickly put the wig on before turning me around. But, then they had to take the wig to another room to adjust the part. So, as she was about to turn me away from the mirror again I said I wanted to see. So I looked. It was ok! I didn’t cry! I actually like the shape of my head. It feels a bit lumpy in the back but maybe that’s normal? I didn’t look like myself but it wasn’t awful. All I could think of was Sinead O’Connor’s head. The wig stylist said I should go have some fun at karaoke and sing Sinead. Ha.

I LOVE the color of my wig and I do like how it looks. But it feels weird and there’s so much hair and it’s heavy and the part is slightly off from where my part was. But I like it. I’m riding on the T right now and I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking “that must be a wig”. But they’re not. No one gives a flying F about me and my wig. We’re all on our phones. Tonight I have an event at Juliette’s school and it will be my wig debut. And, I’m sitting here realizing I don’t actually care if people know it’s a wig. Anyone who knows me knows I’m going through this. And now, without further adieu…

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Published by drlr3

I'm a 48 year old woman with an incredibly blessed life, who has recently been sidetracked by an Ovarian Cancer diagnosis. Writing about it is helping me cope.

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34 thoughts on “Be careful what you wish for…”

  4. You my girl are going through this.. thank you for sharing it all…you are experiencing something that no one should have to experience, no one should have to make sense of.. however those of us that care about you and Rick and Juliette are grateful for your frankness and honesty.
    Happy you have a nice shaped head and beyond taken with your beautiful heart
    There is no fairness in this…
    it is what it is and it sucks! Thank you for your honesty your vivid descriptions your willingness to share.
    Again with love and prayers !

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  6. You look beautiful Debi – both ways. Is the one on the right a wig or your hair before you shaved it off? Thanks for sharing your journey! – Nikki

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  8. Dang, you’ve got a good skull shape! I like it! When it starts to grow out, you can spike it. Is the right pic with the wig or before the shave?

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  13. You look amazing either way, and your “new do” is gorgeous! It was so great seeing you looking so happy and healthy the other night. You’re an inspiration to all!

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