I went to a faith healer this week

If you were to ask me if I was “religious” I’d probably respond by saying I’m “spiritual”. But that wasn’t always the case. I was raised catholic. Actually, I should elaborate: I was raised in a very catholic family. Never missed mass. Made all of my sacraments. Didn’t eat an hour before church. Didn’t eat meat on Fridays in Lent etc. I even went to Catholic school for most of my schooling. Church was a big part of my life. I was really involved in CYO and did lots of volunteer work and even became a Eucharistic Minister in High School.
Ironically, it wasn’t until Catholic college that I started to question some things. I never doubted my faith in God though. Rather, I doubted that my being catholic meant I was right and everyone who wasn’t was wrong. I wondered how someone like the Daili Llama who promotes peace and love could go to “the bad place” when he died just because he wasn’t a baptized Catholic. Or, how come a divorced person could no longer receive the gift of communion (I think they’ve changed that since but even that baffles me. If we’re supposed to be following what was said in the Bible how come this was allowed to be changed?). Many of the rules seemed arbitrary and I couldn’t find evidence of them in the Bible. A lot of it made no sense to me – but in practice I still found some comfort in the act of going to church. I remember talking to my now-deceased uncle (who was a catholic priest) about some of the things I didn’t understand about the Catholic Church and he said to me “It’s not a buffet where you get to pick and choose which parts you agree with. It’s all or nothing.”

I respectfully disagree. I’ve decided that I’m fully ok with picking and choosing what works for me. For many years (probably close to 20) I didn’t really attend church outside of the major holidays. But I still prayed. I feel like church is very family-centric so when I was no longer a child living at home and I had not yet created my own nuclear family there just didn’t seem to be a place for me at church.

When Juliette was newly born we decided we wanted to baptize her. Though I was no longer an active church goer I still wanted to provide her with a church based upbringing since it was so valuable to me. For various reasons, we chose an Episcopal church. What I like most is that it feels very much like the Catholic Church in terms of its structure and core beliefs. But there is also an amazing inclusivity that I fully embrace (for example, it’s LGBTQ friendly, priests can marry and women can be priests). These things fit with my “liberal” thinking. I have found my church. I’ve taught Sunday school there and volunteered in various other capacities. I don’t make it every Sunday but I don’t have guilt about it. When I go I feel welcome and I feel like part of a community.

I’m in a good place. I have a strong faith. I pray. I talk to God. I think he’s helping me. Often I pray in thanks. Even while having cancer I try to remember to pray for all the things I’m grateful for. But I also cry sometimes and pray for comfort. And I receive comfort. I really do. When I can’t sleep in the middle of the night I start to pray the rosary and inevitably I fall back to sleep. Its better than a sleeping pill. I pray for healing. I pray for other people. I pray for all sorts of things. I sometimes think He even talks back to me, through other people. I have found what works for me and I believe God is ok with it. And if that means going to an incredibly powerful healing service led by a Catholic Deacon one week and then seeing a Chinese healer a few weeks later, I’m good with that. Sprinkle in some major appreciation for nature and some Reiki and acupuncture and energy healing and I’m good with that too. All of these things bring me comfort and peace and make me feel grateful and they are good for my spirit. So, I’m willing to try them all. At my core I identify as a christian and that is really because I do try to live my life the way Jesus told us to. I choose to love God and to love my neighbor. It’s that simple.

So today I will pray for my white blood cell count. I had it tested this morning to make sure I’m ready for chemo #2 on Monday and it turns out I’m not…yet. It’s at 1.2 and needs to be at 1.5 but it could go up between now and Monday. I pray that it does. If not, my chemo will be delayed. That’s not the end of the world but I’m feeling good and I don’t want to lose momentum and I don’t want to get an infection. I just want to continue to fight and to get this over with as quickly as possible.