Impatience is not a virtue

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I’ve always been a “what’s next?” kind of person, which is not exactly something to be proud of. But I can’t help it. I love change. I love looking forward to things. I love the feeling of anticipation. Say we’re on vacation eating a wonderful lunch – I’ll already be talking about where we should go for dinner.

Not only do I like looking forward to things – I also like when I can set goals and take the steps to achieve them. For me, the training process for triathlons and big runs was always equally, if not more, enjoyable than actually completing the events. Going to classes and studying for my wine exams were the best part about getting my actual certification.

So, when I started out on this cancer journey I figured chemo was the process I needed to go through to achieve the goal of being healthy and cancer free. I had a concrete number: 6 sessions, and a concrete timeframe: every 3 weeks. Turns out this was faulty thinking because a) chemo is not an enjoyable step towards a goal and b) I have no control over it.

This is what I’ve really been struggling with lately – how out of control I feel about this whole thing. For starters, I have no idea how I even got cancer (twice!). So, no matter how much I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually there’s no guarantee I can stop it from coming back. There’s often a negative voice in my head telling me it doesn’t matter what I do because I have no control over any of it anyway.

I have to give up the need to try to control something I can’t. I have to just accept that cancer is part of my life now. It’s really not as simple as just getting through the chemo so it will all magically be “over”. It won’t be. Avastin will take another year, my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes will still be a mess and I’ll have residual side effects. I’ll have nerve-wracking follow up scans and bloodwork for years to come. I’m truly never going to be the same. Cancer has changed me forever and I have to make peace with that somehow. I have to stop thinking in terms of “what comes next” when this cancer thing is over. I need to be okay with living with it in the NOW, which is not easy. But I’m trying.

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Published by drlr3

I'm a 48 year old woman with an incredibly blessed life, who has recently been sidetracked by an Ovarian Cancer diagnosis. Writing about it is helping me cope.

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13 thoughts on “Impatience is not a virtue”

  3. From an outsiders perspective…you are handling your new reality with such grace although it must be so daunting at times. Keep setting those goals and enjoying the little pleasure filled moments that present themselves to you. xo, Marisa

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  4. Debi, this is so incredibly difficult. I completely understand the need to know and move on to the “next”- this is a real energy giving exercise for any planner! I appreciate your honest and vulnerable posts. Please know if I can help with a distracting book, whack a mole, etc…
    Much love to you, Rick, and J!

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  7. Thinking of you so much! Accepting a new reality is a struggle, but eventually you’ll settle in. Try to give yourself time. From your posts, you’re handling this all with such grace and honesty. Be well, Deb. 💕

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  8. Here’s a great poem that I love that speaks to this. It’s called Allow by Danna Faulds:

    There is no controlling life.
    Try corralling a lightning bolt,
    containing a tornado. Dam a
    stream and it will create a new
    channel. Resist, and the tide
    will sweep you off your feet.
    Allow, and grace will carry
    you to higher ground. The only
    safety lies in letting it all in
    the wild and the weak; fear,
    fantasies, failures and success.
    When loss rips off the doors of
    the heart, or sadness veils your
    vision with despair, practice
    becomes simply bearing the truth.
    In the choice to let go of your
    known way of being, the whole
    world is revealed to your new eyes.

    XO – Erica

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  9. Yes, in the NOW. It is a practice that we all strive for, but few successfully achieve. That state of just being. Being mad, sad or bitchy in the yucky moments; being so gratefully in love with the beautiful moments. We are seeking grace in all of the moments. You, my friend, are doing it. And teaching us how.
    God bless you! 💕

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