more than I thought I would. I’ll start by saying that this summer has been amazing and I feel great. We’ve been so busy and I’ve loved every second of it. I feel like I’m making up for lost time. We’ve had lots of visitors including friends from college, friends from NYC and family from Miami (plus more to come). Rick and I had a few days alone in Nantucket for his birthday and Juliette went to coastal NH and Lake Winnepasaukee with her grandparents and cousins. There’s also been camp and boats and beach and pool days with friends and family and we have a camping trip coming up. J is one lucky kid!
But you know what doesn’t really go well with 90 degree days, boats, pools and beaches? A wig! So, I’ve spent a lot of time sporting my new, gray peach fuzz. And you know how I know it looks cray cray – kids are honest and they aren’t afraid to ask about it. I mean, I’m fully aware that I am blessed to be healthy and to be here and I get that hair is pretty irrelevant. But my head is a constant reminder to me of what I’ve been through. I can get wrapped up in having fun and enjoying life and forget all about the cancer for a little while – until I happen to see myself in a mirror. Then I’m smacked right in the face with the reality of it. Or, a stranger will give me a sympathetic look or comment. I’ve been to 2 separate concerts where young women have come up to me and told me how awesome I was, which confused me…until I remembered I didn’t have my wig on. The wig allows me to keep my secret to myself but my peach fuzz puts it all out there. I had a dream the other night that I walked by a mirror and I looked like my old self. With my old hair. It made me sad. I truly wish I didn’t care. I wish I wasn’t vain, but I am who I am. I’m not the same person I was before ovarian cancer so I guess it make sense that I don’t look like that person anymore.
I’ve had 2 of my Avastin only infusions so far this summer. They happen every 3 weeks. Juliette came with us the last time. She finally got to meet my Dr and all of my care team. It was good for her and took away a lot of the mystery. My Dr says I’m doing great. My CA-125 remains at 5, which she says is one of the lowest numbers she sees. Last time she said I was probably the healthiest person she’d see all week, which simultaneously makes me feel grateful and sad and mad. Sad for the others who aren’t doing as well and mad because, well, if I’m so damn healthy why’d I get cancer in the first place?! Rick says that’s not the point and that the fact that I’m so healthy is what helped me handle all of this so well. I guess he has a point.
I’ve had less time for self care. During treatment I spent a lot of time alone and had regular Reiki and Acupuncture and did a lot of guided meditation. I slowed down. A lot. Now that Juliette is home all summer down time is rare and much of my self care has been pushed to the back burner. I keep reminding myself that I have to continue to take care of all aspects of myself: body, mind and spirit (which was always Skye’s sage advice in college). I’m a caretaker by nature and making my own needs a priority feels selfish. This will always be a challenge for me but I’m up to the challenge.
Ovarian Cancer Chronicles 
You are beautiful, inside and out!❤️
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